I just can’t do it

And I’m still not sure why.

Divorce, that is.

It’s been more than TWO YEARS since Mr. Mufasa *moved* out, and still I lack the courage, will, and hopelessness to file.  Sure, things were off and on for bit of time after the initial split, but I think deep down, we both know it’s over.

Yet here we are, two kids and three continents later, still married.  I really can’t say why.

Maybe it’s because I love being married. Yes, ME, the girl who was so down on every aspect of marriage: the monogamy, the hypocrisy of recent legislation (see Defense of Marriage Act and Prop 8), the obligations involved. . .the mere thought of changing hubby’s depends is what gave me the courage to finally end a 6 year relationship with Real Boyfriend #1.

Surprisingly, once I tied the knot, I found that I ADORE being married: the familiarity, the settled-down-ed-ness, the “we” and the “us” sprinkled into virtually any conversation, the joint signatures on holiday cards.  I felt so proud to be Mr. Mufasa’s wife and I loved uttering the phrase “my husband.”  I loved fighting knowing that we were in it for the long haul (or at least I was).

I even loved having in-laws. Okay, so they live in England and I’ve only met them twice, but I was good about calling. . .

I don’t know if I have ever been in a less-loving relationship than my marriage, yet one thing is certain:

I love THINKING OF MYSELF as a married woman.

I guess that’s why I still am one.

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2 responses to “I just can’t do it

  1. Is there any hope that you two will work things out?

    What I mean: are you both on a path to reconciling? Have you gone to counseling? Sought some professional help?

    Thanks for the link love… and your comment!!

  2. sortasinglemama

    We’ve been living on different continents for the last two years. We’ve been off and on during that time. We attempted marital counseling via webcam. Add two babies, financial difficulties, and infidelity to the mix and it’s looking. . .nearly hopeless.

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